Put down your drink and listen up, South Florida, because it's time to talk Super Bowl security. It is a known fact that the Super Bowl is a major target for terrorism. The terrorists HATE the Super Bowl, because (a) it is a symbol of corrupt Western decadence, and (b) the terrorists lost a giant bet in 2004 when the Patriots failed to cover the spread.
So we have every reason to believe the terrorists will try to attack this Super Bowl. In fact, it can now be revealed that they have already made one attempt. Yes. On Wednesday, a group of terrorists flew into Miami International Airport Construction Zone, carrying a large quantity of powerful explosives, which they were able to get onto their plane because they put them in clear, one-quart, zip-top plastic bags, in accordance with Transportation Safety Administration rules.
"These guys really knew what they were doing," stated a TSA spokesperson. "They also removed their shoes."
The terrorists then rented a car and were headed toward Originally Joe Robbie Stadium when they made a fatal mistake: They tried to get through the Golden Glades Interchange.
"They never had a chance," stated a police source. "We picked them up in Atlanta."
So we got lucky that time. But the danger has not passed, which is why police are asking all South Floridians to be on the lookout for persons exhibiting unusual behavior, such as signaling turns, or having car insurance. Also, if you are planning to go to the Super Bowl game on Sunday, be aware that additional security measures will be in effect, as follows:
WHEN TO ARRIVE: All persons attending the game MUST arrive at the stadium no later than 7:45 a.m. yesterday. There will be NO EXCEPTIONS. I am talking to you, Prince.
PERSONAL BELONGINGS: Fans will not be allowed to take anything into the stadium except medically required organs. If you need, for example, both of your kidneys, you will be required to produce a note from your doctor, as well as your actual doctor.
TAILGATING: There will be no tailgating. This is to thwart the terrorists, who are believed to have been planning a tailgate-based attack (code name "Death Hibachi") involving the detonation of a nuclear bratwurst capable of leveling South Florida, if South Florida were not already so level to begin with.
TALKING: There will be no talking.
PERMITTED CHEERS: The National Football League, in conjunction with the Department of Homeland Security, the FBI, the CIA and Vice President Cheney, has approved the following three cheers for use during the game: (1) "You suck, ref!" (2) "Come on, (Name of Team)!" (3) "You suck, Prince!"
AIR TRAFFIC: Any aircraft attempting to fly into or out of South Florida on Sunday will be shot down by the U.S. Air Force. Asked if this would apply to commercial flights, security officials replied, "Hey, this is the Super Bowl."
THE GAME: For security reasons, the actual game will be played at a secret military facility in the New Mexico desert. This is just as well, since there really wasn't any way to use the field at Originally Stadium, which is booked solid with the pregame, halftime and postgame extravaganzas. Besides, as NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell pointed out in his official press conference, "the game usually sucks anyway."
PARTY UPDATE: The hottest party in town will take place Saturday night at the New Arena Built Right Next to the Other Fairly New Arena. It will be hosted by Playboy inventor Hugh Hefner, who kind of reminds me of Fidel Castro, in the sense that, when you see a photograph of him, you ask yourself, "I wonder if he was alive when that was taken." Anyway, Hugh's hosting a lavish bash (Theme: "Thank God for Viagra") and invitations are almost impossible to get, although some are still available free from the office of U.S. Rep. Tom Tancredo, who will be at the party serving mojitos. Give Tom a call! Tell him I sent you.
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Indianapolis plays the Chicago Bears on Sunday. Game time is 5:25 p.m. local time. AP
Discussion
Listen up fans, security is no game!
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