PARENTAL ADVISORY

So I was outside the stadium at the NFL Experience (“The Official NFL Experience of the Super Bowl”) which is where you, the Ordinary Fan, can experience what it’s like to be a real NFL player by throwing a football, kicking a football, breaking Joe Theismann’s leg like a pretzel, etc. There were many kids in Colts and Bears jerseys running around, and it was all very wholesome, except for the music blasting over the PA system, which was a woman proudly singing:

My humps! My humps!

My lovely lady lumps!

At least that’s what it sounded like she was singing. Is that a real song? Does the NFL (“The Official NFL of the NFL”) know about it?

UPDATE

OK, I have done some research in and around Originally Joe Robbie Stadium, and here is what I have determined so far:

1. Beer is $10 a bottle.

2. Ten dollars a bottle.

3. But people are buying it anyway.

URGENT BREAKING SUPER BOWL BULLETIN

There is a rumor going around the stadium that the coaches in this year’s game are both African-American. Has anyone heard anything about that? I am going to “poke around” and see what I can find out.

SUPER BOWL UPDATE

I got to the stadium, and — even more incredibly — found my seat. I am very excited, because the NFL has provided the news media with Official Super Bowl Lunchboxes, containing an Official Super Bowl Lunch:

And get this: I am sitting right near the Red Hotline Phone, which connects me directly to the radio in Peyton Manning’s helmet. I plan to be offering helpful advice to Peyton all through the game. At the moment, I am advising him to put his pants on after he puts on his athletic supporter.

PRINCE UPDATE

I had breakfast with a media source who told me that another media source friend of his was at a big VIP party the other night, and he (the second media source) went into the men’s room, and a gigantic man blocked his path and said, quote, “Bathroom is closed.” It turned out that Prince was in there. So apparently Prince does not pee without a security perimeter.

This has been your Prince Update.

THE GAME

Wow. Devin is a quick fellow.

The Bears’ fans here are going nuts. OK, they already were nuts. But they are even more nuts now.

You should be aware the commercials you are seeing on your TV at home are not recorded. They are being performed live here on the field by professional actors.

Is there some kind of federal law requiring that during time-outs, stadiums have to play music loud enough to bring down aircraft?

Mrs. Blog, a University of Miami graduate, points out that the score is now: University of Miami, two touchdowns; All Other Universities in the World Combined, zero touchdowns.

The score is now: University of Miami, two touchdowns; All Other Universities in the World Combined, one touchdown.

Doesn’t “Urlacher” sound like the name of one of those really scary creatures that were always chasing Frodo around in “The Lord of the Rings”? Like, “You can’t go in there, Frodo! That’s the cave of the Urlachers!”

David Spade is here, according to the TV screen.

During the last time-out the teams switched uniforms. Those crazies!

I’m not sure what university scored that last touchdown, so I will just assume it’s the University of Miami.

Only three or four more hours to go!

They’re announcing that we will be part of the halftime show! They want us to clap our hands and stomp our feet to, quote, “the classic rock song, ‘We Will Rock You.’” They have the stadium scoreboard going STOMP STOMP CLAP, so we know what to do. PLUS we have flashlights in our seat cushions. We are so excited! PLUS David Spade is here!

Far be it from me to advise these players on tactics, but if they want to win, they need to stop giving the ball to the other team.

Is it still Sunday?

HALFTIME

OK, they are erecting the stage on the field, and they are reminding us that we need to stomp our feet along to the classic rock anthem “We Will Rock You.” Meanwhile 50,000 people have run onto the field. I cannot see Prince at this time, but there is a lot of excitement. PLUS David Spade is here!

The stage is shaped like that thing that Prince said his name was when you weren’t allowed to call him Prince.

Nobody is stomping along to the classic rock anthem “We Will Rock You.” I frankly think that a lot of people have chosen instead to urinate.

This is actually a great halftime show, at least live.

Wouldn’t it be cool if it ended with a giant inflatable nipple?

All right! “Purple Rain”!

Brian Urlacher is on bass.

THE SECOND HALF

The second half is about to start. Only four or five more hours! AND David Spade is here!

Here in the stadium, we’re watching highlights of the first half. That seems like weeks ago.

They’re saying we might get some rain.

They should put Prince in for just one play.

Only four or five more hours!

Maybe the Bears should put Prince in.

Here at the stadium, we are singing the classic rock anthem “Hey Baby.”

Remember the first half? Now that was a half.

They just showed Ashton and Demi on the stadium screen! I don’t know if David Spade saw them or not.

Three quarters done! It won’t be much longer than four or five more hours now.

We are reaching the point in the game where, here in the sportswriter section, sportswriters, who have to write newspaper articles for you to read Monday (even though you saw the game), are yelling things like, “What’s my topic? WHAT’S MY TOPIC?!”

During this review, we are singing along to the rock anthem “Mony Mony.”

The University of Miami is dominating this football game.

Fergie is here, according to the big screen. Not the one that used to be married to whatshisname, but the other one.

They need to show Rex a picture of what color uniform his team has on.

This stadium is getting really quiet. I think it’s a general feeling of awe at being near David Spade.

Shouldn’t be much more than four or five hours now.

We’re gearing up for the post-game extravaganza, which will feature Wayne Newton.

URGENT BREAKING

My Research Department, Judi, has informed that that Fergie is the person who sings the song about her humps.

That’s it. I had a fine time, plus I got a lunchbox.