In all honesty I always felt like I possessed a certain degree of royal bearing. Perhaps it was in the way I could make a pair of khaki shorts and chili-stained sweatshirt look downright noble, or how comfortably I have always taken to being waited on hand and foot. Nonetheless, in spite of having a feeling of nobility, it still took a few minutes while online to hammer home the true nature my royal birthrights and pedigree.
I hadn’t spent much time researching my family tree. I, like so many others, basically only needed to be sure that when it was time to get married, my wife and I didn’t have too many branches with similar twigs. Beyond that, I simply believed that I, like everyone else, was somehow related to Kevin Bacon — and that was good enough for me.
However, I recently saw one of those cool commercials for genealogy websites, where you just “click on a leaf” to find out the truth about people like your crazy Uncle Angelo. He was the guy my mother said “had to move out of town for 4 to 7 years (depending on behavior)” and described him asa “colorful entrepreneur who provided money to those in need — you know, like a Sicilian ATM machine.”
Since I already had a pretty good idea about my Uncle Angie, I decided to bark up my father’s side of the family tree, unsure what I would find.
Since my Dad was originally from Boston, I thought there was at least a chance I might be related to Mark Wahlberg, which in turn might get give me the upper hand in any future audition for the reformation of the Funky Bunch. Unfortunately, it didn’t take long to realize there were no Wahlbergs in the woodpile.
But as I began to do a little research, I found someone had actually left me a trail of bread crumbs. There was a detailed website on my paternal great-grandmother’s side, that went from 1016 all the way to my father. His grandmother was part of the Scottish MacMillan Clan, and the site listed names and birth dates for every one of 26 generations between my Dad and those who were part of Robert the Bruce’s posse. In fact, much of the family’s land and titles came after sheltering Bobby the Bruce (That’s what we homies and peeps called him) after he was stabbed by the English. Someone recently asked if that meant I was also related to William “Braveheart” Wallace. I said, “No, he just kind of worked for us.”
In addition to now being able to “loosely” refer to myself as the “Last King of Scotland” (a title I believe also shared by Idi Amin), I found that my father’s paternal great-grandfather also stood knee-deep in royal blood (yet another trait shared with Idi Amin).
On that side of the family bracket, the name was only traceable to about 1300 and seemed to stop with Edward III. I wondered how could I be related to Edward III, but not his father who was also a king. (Oh well, I guess that would just be piling on). The website also had the Lancaster name going back to all the Henrys, including Henry the Eighth, whom I imagine would have been a great guy to party with.
All in all, I believe that I’m roughly 234,543rd in line for the throne (which I think allows me rights to a very small closet in Windsor Castle and one late night drunk-dial to Pippa Middleton). I’m not exactly sure what other privileges I might be entitled to, but when Sir Jethro Bodine found out that he and Uncle Jed had inherited Clampett Manor, he required much “bowing and scraping.” I don’t know if I need to go quite that far, but I will make a couple of royal decrees to get me started — such as — “They will open a new line at Walmart if they see more than three people in line in front of me AND McDonald’s will offer me free retro glassware when I order a McRib combo meal ANY time of year.”
Beyond that, I would probably just be pushing it.
Nevertheless, it feels good to be the king.
Todd is a former sportswriter who now dabbles in news, until his job at the Samuel Adams Brewery comes through.
- Local News
North Daviess still facing budget cuts
Members of the state legislature gave schools a two percent increase but North Daviess Community Schools Superintendent Robert Bell said the corporation will still get funding cuts over the next four years.
- Three injured in accident
- Wrestlers for relay
- Dollar General focuses on reading
- Letters returned after 55 years
- North Daviess still facing budget cuts
- Local Sports
Chattin, Stallman win doubles sectional title
Washington's Rachel Chattin and Audra Stallman defeated Madison Reed and Taylor Jeffers of North Daviess, 6-1, 6-4, Wednesday to win the doubles sectional championship.
- Pacers miss golden opportunity
- Rivet beats Lions in 1st round of sectional
- Hatchets season ends with loss to Jasper
- Loogootee falls to Rivet in Sectional 63
- Chattin, Stallman win doubles sectional title
- The "Z" Watch
IU still working towards sixth banner
Monday night in Atlanta, Louisville won the school’s first National Championship since the year I was born - 1986. This accomplishment is significant to Indiana basketball fans, because the last two times the Cardinals cut down the nets (1980, 1986), the Hoosiers did it the following year. The stat, of course means nothing, other than both schools had strong programs in the 1980s.
- Zeller declares for NBA
- Washington shows support for Zeller
- Zeller scores 18, but Pacers beat Cavs 99-94
- Oladipo, Zeller named All-Americans
- IU still working towards sixth banner
Twitter introduces website security tool after AP account hacked
Twitter is adding a new security tool to its website, making it harder for outsiders to gain access to accounts, a month after a false posting triggered a stock-market decline.
May 23, 2013 1 Photo
- Siblings withstand storm in fridge
- Mom delivered baby as tornado struck
- Twitter introduces website security tool after AP account hacked
Movie preview: “Star Trek Into Darkness”
Plot: When the crew of the Enterprise is called back home, they find an unstoppable force of terror from within that has left Starfleet in ruins, leaving our world in a state of crisis. With a personal score to settle, Captain Kirk leads a manhunt to a war zone world to capture a one-man weapon of mass destruction.
- Movie preview: “The Great Gatsby”
- Movie preview: “Peeples”
- Movie preview: “Star Trek Into Darkness”
- State News
State won’t use free lunch program as poverty indicator
Indiana is changing the way it counts low-income students in public schools because Republican legislators suspect fraud in the federal school-lunch program used to measure poverty.
- Report: State is both ‘leader and laggard’
- Indiana’s high school grad rate continues upward
- State won’t use free lunch program as poverty indicator